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Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex mental health condition that involves emotional dysregulation as a core symptom. Emotional dysregulation is the difficulty in managing and processing emotions. You might be wondering, what does this have to do with lying?
Emotional dysregulation includes many symptoms that may look different to everyone. From having trouble recognizing emotions, feeling confused or overwhelmed by emotions, controlling behavior, uncontrolled crying or temper tantrums, threatening others or oneself, having trouble letting go of certain experiences, and blowing minor arguments out of proportion. Someone with BPD may be familiar with some or all of the above. With BPD and emotional dysregulation, most individuals with BPD also have a fear of abandonment and will try to self-preserve. While lying isn't a direct symptom, it is linked to other symptoms. If you have trouble recognizing emotions, you may lie when asked, "How are you?". Self-preservation is our instinctive behavior to ensure survival. Many people suffering from BPD will lie to protect themselves and avoid abandonment. Ultimately, the fear of abandonment will have those suffering from BPD acting a certain way, which could include lying that they may think will save their relationship, but in the end, also may put that relationship in jeopardy. When it comes to BPD and lying, it's not pathological. It's an impulsive, misguided attempt to avoid abandonment.
Intentional lying is deliberately stating something untrue to try to deceive someone, while emotional truth is expressing a genuine feeling or outlook even if it doesn't align with objective facts. Lying is a common behavior for people with BPD, so are they doing it on purpose? Do they even realize they are doing it? Lying helps those with BPD feel like they are protecting a part of themselves.
Sometimes, people with BPD don't have a strong sense of self, so what they might think is the truth when they are saying it may turn out to have been a lie later on. It's important to remember that everyone lies occasionally. Most people lie about their feelings or opinions, even their failures or accomplishments, depending on who is asking questions. So why do people with BPD lie, and what do they lie about? Since a symptom is not being able to recognize their own feelings, they might lie when they are uncomfortable, embarrassed, or afraid that telling the truth may make them look a certain way to another person. People with BPD often worry about how they look to others, so they may lie to conceal not meeting someone's expectations, like a boss or a partner. They might think their lies are harmless and may not catch up to them, which, as we've probably all experienced, some lies do and some don't (catch up to us). Since people with BPD are always experiencing intense emotions, they may impulsively lie without even thinking about it, while at other times, they are trying to preserve relationships and avoid abandonment.
When it comes to emotional truth for BPD, this typically refers to the overwhelming experience of intense, rapidly fluctuating emotions that impact the fear of abandonment, deep emptiness, unstable self-image, and extreme mood swings, which lead to impulsive behaviors, all stemming from not being able to regulate emotions. So, in some cases, it's not that they are lying; it's that that truly might be how they feel at that moment. The difference between the two is that lying manipulates one into thinking something certain, while emotional truth isn't.
Many take it as an intentional act when manipulation arises in someone with BPD. However, the reality for those who have BPD is that these actions are coming from a place of intense emotional fear instead of trying to control or harm others. Many times, individuals with BPD lie to gain reassurance, connection, or relief from emotional distress, whereas most manipulation, in general, is used to gain power over a person or situation.
For those with BPD, manipulation is often not intentional (although sometimes it is). However, individuals with BPD often act out of impulse and unconsciously as a survival tactic to cope with the overwhelming emotions. For example, a person with BPD may threaten to hurt themselves if they are fighting with a significant other due to their extreme fear of abandonment. When people with BPD realize that they have lied and manipulated someone unintentionally, they often feel guilt or shame for displaying that behavior since they know lying has a bad reputation. In general, manipulation is a calculated act; when it comes to BPD, it is usually the expression of their emotions.
Fear of abandonment will have those with BPD act completely differently than someone who doesn't hold that fear at all. Lying and manipulative actions happen due to this intense fear. Individuals with BPD may lie to avoid conflict or any issue that may lead to rejection, especially from a loved one or close friend. They might act dramatically, like threatening to leave a relationship, when, in reality, they are only doing so to secure someone's commitment to them. They also may lie to maintain control over a situation or person. While their actions aren't malicious, they are desperate to not be left alone.
When someone with BPD lies, they often don't think deeply about it until after the fact, which leaves them feeling deep remorse, guilt, and shame. They realize that their behavior may have been hurtful, and they internalize the belief that their actions confirm their worst fears, such as being unlovable. Since these negative feelings are happening, they become overwhelmed, which typically leads to more emotional turmoil. This can easily turn into a harmful cycle like self-sabotaging behaviors such as engaging in the same manipulative behavior to seek relief or putting strain on their relationships that reinforce feelings of abandonment. This cycle can go on for life without proper help. Breaking this cycle requires external support, such as therapy, to provide a healthier coping method.
Lying and manipulative behaviors can significantly affect relationships, even unintentionally. These behaviors can lead to an erosion of trust, including repeated dishonesty within a relationship. Skepticism, where a loved one might start to question the validity of what the person with BPD is saying, and instability, where the inconsistency in communication and behaviors can leave a partner or friend unsteady when it comes to the relationship as a whole. It can become emotionally exhausting to constantly manage or respond to the intense emotions someone with BPD has, which can also lead to resentment, especially in a romantic relationship where someone may tie their bond to intimacy.
There are a few different ways someone could approach rebuilding trust with someone with BPD. Starting with empathy and an open mind is a great way to heal from the past. Acknowledging the emotional challenges the person with BPD faces and ensuring you aren't trying to dismiss how they feel. It's important to be kind but also stay direct. Since the person with BPD already struggles with lying, you mustn't do. Do not assign blame, but focus on the behaviors most concerning to you and how they made you feel. Encourage self-reflection by creating a safe space for your loved one to discuss their feelings without feeling judged. This will open up opportunities for individuals with BPD to act more like themselves and avoid unnecessary lying. It's important to stay patient when having these intense conversations. Set healthy boundaries, such as what behaviors are acceptable and which aren't. Remember that for the person with BPD, their intent isn't typically to hurt you, but to not have you abandon them. Lastly, celebrate the progress you see. Seeking professional help like therapy will also help the person with BPD recognize their wrong-doings and learn healthier coping mechanisms.
To become aware of situations or emotions that prompt lying, you must first recognize the triggers that make you want to lie. It's a hard first step, but identifying your fears often helps us change our behaviors to avoid being dishonest. Remembering how you feel when someone lies to you will help you become more self-aware. Self-reflection is equally important. Journaling about your emotions, triggers, and responses can help you remember for one, not get caught up for two, and provide insight into your patterns.
For those with Borderline Personality Disorder, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is the most common kind of therapy. This therapy offers tools to manage emotional dysregulation and impulsive behaviors by implementing mindfulness, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness strategies. Mindfulness includes staying present and observing emotions without judgment, distress tolerance means learning to cope with those intense emotions without resorting to harmful behavior, and interpersonal effectiveness is building healthier communication styles to meet needs without manipulation. There is also Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that challenges and reframes distorted thought patterns, and trauma therapy that focuses on underlying issues that may have been contributing to emotional instability.
Building healthy communication skills can be difficult when you only know lying and manipulation. Even if this is done unintentionally, it can be hard to overcome. You may not feel ready to be open and honest, but being vulnerable is one way to help yourself and your relationships start to repair. Learning to ask for help without guilt-tripping or dramatic gestures can help rebuild your relationships. Where manipulation was once used, you can practice direct communication, which will help build trust and respect in your relationships.
When you have BPD, there is a stereotype that you are intentionally deceitful, which isn't true. Challenging that narrative can be difficult, but not impossible, when you realize that your actions come from a place of fear and pain, not malice. Once you realize this, it's easier to shift the perception. People aren't their illnesses. People with BPD can change just like anybody else. They are resilient and capable of positive change with the right tools.
Creating a safe space is of the utmost importance for those with BPD, whether that is in their home environment or with a group of close friends; having a space where they can express themselves freely and honestly will positively impact them. Seeking professional help and learning about their mental conditions will help them gain patience and empathy, not only for themselves but for those who choose to be around them despite their "bad days" or past behaviors. This will also help break the stigma that surrounds BPD.
BPD is one of the more complex mental conditions someone can have. Taking small steps to learn about oneself and avoiding those negative tendencies and behaviors will only help them in the future. Learning to embrace vulnerability, build trust, and foster healthier relationships is key to personal growth and a more authentic life. People with BPD have to be able to not only accept their diagnosis but also accept themselves as they work towards a more positive lifestyle. With the right tools and support system, individuals with BPD can have genuine connections and an emotional balance.
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