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BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder. This disorder is a mental health condition that is mainly known by intense emotional dysregulation, which affects the individual's self-image and personal relationships. People with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to experience things as a rollercoaster of emotions, meaning the highs are high and the lows are low, which can often be very stressful to the individual. They act recklessly at times, leading to a wide range of emotions. Alongside the rollercoaster ride, there are a few core symptoms that you may recognize in a loved one or even yourself.
Being impulsive, having extreme mood swings, and feelings of emptiness are just some. Emotional dysregulation tends to lead to a heightened sensitivity in relationships or interactions where it may be nothing to the other person. This can lead to misunderstandings and challenges in creating and maintaining healthy relationships. Suffering from BPD, individuals will completely shut down, fear their loved ones abandoning them, and even participate in self-harming behavior or suicidal thoughts. BPD can be complicated to diagnose because of the multiple symptoms and other close conditions, such as Bipolar Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and even ADHD, a more common mental health condition. Only 1%-2% of the general population are diagnosed with BPD. This article will cover BPD in relationships and how to build a solid support system.
Many challenges present themselves when building and maintaining relationships with people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Individuals with BPD struggle with heightened sensitivity and extreme fear of abandonment, which can lead to them acting a certain way that may strain their relationships. If they make assumptions or try to avoid rejection, they may jeopardize the relationship with the person. Another thing someone will do if they have BPD is idealize or disparage those close relationships. Oftentimes, there is little to no in-between with how they feel, and they often switch how they feel as well, which leads people to believe that individuals suffering from BPD are unreliable, which isn't true in all cases. Having BPD can be extremely hard to manage, but not impossible.
When you think about it, our friendships are the kind of relationships we have the most. Romantic relationships come and go, but friendships often see it all. When it comes to having Borderline Personality Disorder, it can severely impact the friendships they hold most dearly. Individuals with BPD often have trust issues and insecurities when it comes to their relationships, they often will question others intentions which can significantly impact their friendships. This is why it's essential to seek treatment. As we've already mentioned briefly, what can be a small conflict or problem to the normal eye can be a huge, intense problem for those with BPD.
For example, let's say you're in conversation with your friend who has BPD; they are giving you a life update; you may not even react to what they have said but make a face unknowingly. That face you just made, even though it's completely normal to do so, may have triggered your friend into thinking, "Are they even interested in what I'm saying?" "Are they judging me?", "Do they care?". Have you ever had similar thoughts? Try to think of it the opposite way. Being friends with someone who has BPD can often be overwhelming due to their intense feelings. Coming from a place of understanding on both sides will help the relationship overall. Next, we will go over how to build successful friendships with empathy and boundary-setting.
It can be difficult to be friends on both ends of Borderline Personality Disorder. Unfortunately, this disorder can be one of the harder ones to diagnose, so many go not only undiagnosed but untreated. If you know you or your friend is suffering from BPD, keeping the following in mind will be of the utmost importance to maintain and build your friendship, even if you don't know but suspect– this will only help. Going into any issue with an open mind and heart, mutual respect, communication, boundaries, clarifying questions, and patience.
Having BPD can impact your friendships; however, knowing you have BPD or that a friend is suffering from BPD can only help your relationship. Looping your friends into how you feel can help you process those feelings instead of self-isolating, which can happen if you're prone to shutting down. What may feel more effortless in the moment may harm your relationships and yourself. Learning about yourself, your response/reaction rate, and setting boundaries is extremely important when you have Borderline Personality Disorder.
You don't want to lose your friends over a misunderstanding or miscommunication. How can you proceed forward with a million thoughts racing through your mind? Let yourself and your friend cool off regarding disagreements or arguments. We commonly don't realize there is an issue until a fight happens. Even if you read into something, still take the time to respond and not react. Being reactive (impulsive) is a trait of BPD, so it's easier said than done. When you're ready, ask your friend to talk. Lead by setting boundaries, such as if the discussion gets too heated, take a break and list topics you want to cover to stay on track. Going into any conversation, but especially those that involve friendship, with an open mind, is imperative for this to work; otherwise, you may find yourself getting worked up all over again. Doing this will also help set the boundaries you might need for your friendships. Remembering that you or your loved one is suffering will help you keep perspective. You can't expect everyone to understand your brain; that is why communication plays a big part. How you communicate will either leave you feeling satisfied or empty if you aren't communicating effectively. Asking clarifying questions can be extremely helpful. You can use this as a subtle reminder to think outside yourself and keep an open mind. Try to be self-aware and practice patience with your friends.
Romantic relationships can be ten times harder to have for people with BPD. Friendships are one thing, but romantic relationships often come with intimacy that most friendships don't encounter. Individuals with BPD form deep connections and face unique challenges when dating. The cycle of idealization, fear of abandonment, and the heightened sensitivity to rejection all play differently than in a regular friendship. This often comes from the fact that most people hold romantic relationships more important than friendships. This may create instability for the person suffering from BPD and also create a strong desire for closeness, which may mean they put themselves on the back burner to avoid abandonment. Although having BPD can form strong bonds, the fear of abandonment may have you seeking reassurance, being extra clingy, and avoiding vulnerability to prevent any issues from occurring. A fight with a significant other can feel like the end of the world for someone with BPD. Recognizing your triggers, taking responsibility for your actions, and seeking therapy are things that one can do if they see their BPD affecting their intimate relationships.
As we've mentioned, many people aren't diagnosed with BPD, and those that are, are still a very low number. I am not saying that finding another person with BPD is impossible; it may be unlikely, or they are undiagnosed. Let's say you are aware, though, and you and your partner want to move forward in a romantic relationship; however, both tend to get upset quickly, make rash decisions, and unintentionally hurt others. Can you still date even if both of you have BPD? Of course. Regardless of mental illness, any romantic relationship takes two people committing to each other despite their challenges. While you may have an even stronger bond because you share the same diagnosis, this may increase the risk of conflict due to the emotional dysregulation part of BPD. Practicing self-regulation, aka checking yourself before reacting, seeking therapy, and setting healthy boundaries can help ensure a more successful relationship. Communication and comprehensiveness are key when you may both be suffering from BPD. Using tools such as grounding techniques and mindfulness can be helpful to avoid impulsiveness. Helping each other build positive self-esteem by encouraging your partner and yourself to engage in hobbies that you either do on your own time or together will healthily help your bond. Building a routine that works for you and your partner can create a sense of security that will make you feel more comfortable in the space you've created with each other.
Borderline Personality Disorder dating someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can happen. Both of these disorders are very difficult to diagnose. NPD has a diagnosis rate that is even less than BPD (0.5%-1% of the general population), which means people affected by NPD may be going untreated and don't even realize it's a mental health problem. This can be a very complicated relationship to have and maintain. These two disorders are very different. NPD will automatically be more focused on themselves and how they feel and may struggle with understanding a partner with BPD. Someone with NPD may feed off the admiration that comes from the idealization of the person with BPD. People with NPD may use manipulation that could lead the person with BPD to spiral. This can quickly turn into a codependent relationship as the person with NPD will want to be in control, and the person with BPD may give in to their partner's every need and want instead of doing what is best for them or the relationship in general. This is not to say that a relationship with both can't happen. Still, suppose they are aware of their mental health conditions. In that case, it is essential to set boundaries, recognize any negative patterns that lead to emotional triggers and conflict, communicate effectively, respect each other even if each person can't fully understand the other, and lastly, seek help for personal growth and to be able to grow together while working on independence.
Are you or a loved one married and dealing with BPD? Is it affecting your marriage? It can be hard to know what to do when you're married and suffering from a mental illness, especially one as complex as Borderline Personality Disorder. What happens if you don't know you were even suffering from BPD until after you're married? It may be harder to set boundaries if your marriage is already running a certain way. Navigating your way through your BPD and your marriage can be rough; however, your partner should want to help you navigate it all and want the best outcome for both of you. This can start by unlearning what you may have been doing before. You may think your marriage is fine, but in reality, you hold your partner to a level that is hard to obtain because of your emotional dysregulation and codependency, which means you argue more, feel disconnected, and may isolate until you feel the need for comfort from your loved one or have a breakdown. Knowing you deserve help from your spouse and professionals can change everything.
Creating a healthy home environment can impact those who have BPD. Knowing you have BPD is one thing, but making changes is another. You may need support from a professional to help your partner understand what you're going through. Couples therapy can be crucial to having a successful marriage not only for the person suffering from BPD but also for the other person. Couples therapy helps both parties understand each other and can create the right ways to cope when either person is triggered. Setting goals and having helpful reminders of why you got married in the first place help tremendously. Having something in your house that both of you can see daily can help you keep focused on why you're together, such as a vision board or a mutual goal, especially if you're going through a rough patch that is natural for all couples. Continuing therapy, individually and together, as well as creating a strong support of each other's well-being that includes open and strong communication, active listening, empathy, and a commitment to work it out, will work wonders if both partners are truly dedicated to each other.
Pregnancy is already a time full of emotional and physical changes. It can be more intense for those that have BPD. While most pregnancies bring happiness, it also brings on more challenges. Since the hormones go haywire while someone is pregnant, the heightened sensitivity one feels when they have BPD is amplified. Remember that rollercoaster analogy we used at the beginning of this article? Imagine only feeling the highs and lows at an even more amplified level, as if BPD wasn't bad enough on its own! This may leave the person feelingfeeling overwhelming emotions ranging from sadness and irritability to euphoria or anger. Suffering from BPD while pregnant can be extremely hard as their emotional dysregulation may affect their pregnancy. The stress is already hard enough without growing a baby inside them and doing what they need to ensure they are taken care of on a healthy level. People with BPD have perfectionist tendencies, so they may worry about not being good enough as a parent, which can lead to emotional distress and affect the pregnancy.
If you or someone you know has BPD and is also pregnant, creating and managing a strong support system is imperative. Surrounding yourself with understanding people will help you when you face emotional challenges and keep a sense of stability. Communicating with trusted people such as your partner, family, and friends is essential. You'll feel safe turning towards them in times of need because you already know them. Your partner can comfort you when you feel insecure about the unknown future. Your parents or a friend who is also a parent may be able to provide advice when you're questioning yourself and the baby's future. Nobody can read your mind, and you shouldn't suffer alone when you have people who know what is going on and want to help. Join support groups for either people with BPD or for people who are pregnant. Seek therapy if you feel like a group setting isn't for you. Practicing self-care so you can take pride in doing what you need to have a healthy child and establishing a routine can help create a sense of stability that will help reduce emotional dysregulation.
If you've already been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, you are most likely already in therapy. Therapy is the primary tool used when someone has BPD. Therapy provides insight and coping strategies nobody expects someone to figure out alone. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is the standard treatment for BPD. This particular type of therapy focuses on managing the intense emotions that come with BPD, as well as how to reduce impulsive behavior and improve relationships. Individuals learn mindfulness, identify triggers (and how to cope with them!), and build communication skills that help them personally grow and foster healthy relationships. There are also couples therapy and support groups people can attend to feel less alone and have their loved ones understand them better.
Dedicating yourself to yourself is needed when you have BPD. It can be easy to get lost on the emotional rollercoaster, and the more someone rides the rollercoaster, the more likely they are to want to stay on, even if help is right by the exit. Sometimes, that rollercoaster ride is all they've known since they can remember. We must remember that recognizing a problem is the first step, and getting help is a close second.
What can you do to feel better in your relationships as the person with BPD or the person friends with, dating, or married to someone with BPD? This advice goes for both parties. Keep your relationship communication open, honest, and respectful. People with BPD are going to be critical of every word, so what you say and how you say it matters. Be considerate and consistent to your partner or yourself if you're the one with BPD. Try to actively listen to your partner, maintain eye contact, repeat things they have said to you, and even opt to write it down if you know you have a bad memory! Write down affirmations and little reminders to check yourself before you potentially emotionally spiral or shut down. Validate yourself by speaking to your partner or a trusted individual like a therapist. Partners should practice validation even if they don't understand the person with BPD's perspective. Setting boundaries, as we've mentioned earlier, is important as well. Agree to walk away when things get too heated, set limits on sensitive topics such as politics or religion, and consistently participate in self-care when things get complicated.
Building and maintaining relationships with those who have BPD is hard. Having BPD is harder. Maintaining friendships and relationships can be difficult, as well as being married or pregnant with BPD. It's all going to be a little more complicated when you're dealing with BPD. Again, that doesn't mean you don't deserve help or a devoted partner. You can cultivate meaningful connections with the proper dedication, support, and tools. Getting help is just the start. Once you do that, you build your support system and start seeing the little changes in your behavior and thought patterns. A slight change can be as simple as not losing it over dropping the milk but instead laughing at the mishap. Celebrating progress helps you recognize all your hard work is going towards something more significant! BPD takes time, and it's not an easy fix. BPD is something that has to be worked on constantly. It can be tiring, it can be discouraging to have to unlearn all those bad habits, and you may not feel like yourself at first since all your mind has only known is chaos, but reframing your mind will help you create the future you're looking for. Gaining emotional depth, compassion for yourself and others, and creating a routine that works for you and will help you feel more stable are all ways to embrace growth and be more resilient.
Contact us at North Palm Beach Recovery to start your journey. Our specialists will take the time to get to know you, assess you, and give you the right tools so you can start feeling better about your diagnosis and relationships today.
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